Bandwagon's Full. Please Join Another

So I have lived the last fifteen years or so on the cusp of being mistaken for a crazy animal person. We currently have three cats and three dogs inside our house. We have had slightly more than that over the years. I think we had 5 dogs at one time - but were trying to find homes for the fifth one and did so successfully. Any new dog we find on the streets, we try to place outside of our home. Sometimes we are successful, sometimes we are not. Our 11 year old yellow lab wandered into our yard on MLK Weekend over ten years ago. We found two different homes and neither worked. At the time we already had three dogs and four cats. We managed with the four and four balance for quite some time. Dogs and cats do not live as long as we would prefer so the packs have changed over years. We still have one of the original cats who is going on 17 and running strong (knock on wood). Our last adoptions of dogs have resulted in a 5 year old doberman who hates/loves our 2 year old pit mix. We keep them separated - but that is another story altogether. Bottom line: we have no plans of adopting any other dogs while we have the two youngsters. So we can envision a day when we have a single dog again. I mention all of this because while we have been fortunate to have financial help several years ago when a dog needed surgery and we were going to have to struggle to pay it, we have never had to ask friends and family to chip in to afford an adoption fee or to afford the daily necessities for our animals. A couple I know are planning to adopt their second adoptive child. In addition, they have three biological kids and I thought 4 was on the way. All of these children are well under the age of ten. They are asking for donations to support the addition to their alreadsy crowded household. To my mind, the rules of animals and children care are the same: you should not have more than you can afford. When the quality of life suffers to that point, I no longer think of you as a parent, but as a hoarder. Like with all other hoarding, you are feeding some sort of never fulfilled psychic void and have no business doing this at the expense of your family. As the oldest of six children myself. My mother had 8 pregnancies... one was premature and did not make it, the other did not make it to birth. I am pretty sure that for her motherhood became a type of hoarding. She had no identity of her own and became obsessed with having children. She did not ever actually engage with us after the new baby smell wore off however. Don't get me wrong. I love and adore every one of my siblings. I am happy that they were all born. I just wish we had been born into a different household under healthier circumstances.

In Case of My Untimely Demise

My husband and I attended a memorial service for a friend's father last week. It was a Methodist service for a man who was active in his church and married to someone who took religion very seriously. As an atheist, I just kept thinking how very different my and my husband's memorial service should/would be. The widow wrote a eulogy for her husband of 48 years which was read by the minister. She shared some family memories and then spent a good deal of time talking about how proud she was that her husband dedicated his life to God and the church and would walk with him on streets of gold. It all seemed very.. well.. silly, I guess is the appropriate word (though I hate to think that of a loved one's goodbye). This sense of an afterlife simply does not equate to my logic. As we were driving back, we spoke of how we thought our memorial services would go down. I of course had a horrible thought that what if we died on the way back without leaving instructions? I could just see my mother organizing a funeral mass for me complete with rosaries for my soul. My husband's parents would do their Methodist version of this. I was horrified. My husband says I will be dead so I won't notice or care. I am a bit of a control freak so I figure I should lay out some instructions. My husband and my sister read this blog from time to time so either one of them can use this blog entry as my instructions. So this really is a note for them. You may continue reading, gentle readers, as it might be of interest. First off, these instructions may be updated formerly should I be fortunate enough to live a long life. Right now, this is it. I want to be cremated. If any of my friends or family want a portion of my ashes, they may have them so long as they do not try to do anything magical or religious with them (My mother cannot have them). The cremains may be otherwise dumped on the parade grounds at LSU. I would like my life and death to have a marker - though not the traditional cemetary kind. I don't think there are any more Oak trees on the campus to endow and have a marker under (which is my first choice) so you will need to find an alternative. If you get stuck, the bricks in front of the Tiger Cage are like $200. In lieu of flowers, donations should be made to Friends of the Animals or directly to the Companion Animal Alliance of Baton Rouge. I would like to see my friends and family have a memorial service for me. I do not want any unflattering photos of my to be shown. I will leave it to my husband if he is still alive and my BFF Karen to collect and review any pictures. My sister in law Kristin should have final say. I trust her to be the most picky. She is a professional after all. The service itself I would prefer to be on campus (The Lawton Room would be perfect). Sharla or Beverly will know whom to contact and how to organize this. You should put them to work. They are good at this sort of thing. You may find them through my Facebook contacts. I do not want there to be any mention of God or Jesus as that is not how I roll. I understand that memorial services are about the living, but I think they should respect the dead as well. In terms of content, I would like the following - Prelude (Jimmy Hendrix's Lil Wing should be played as it was our wedding song and remains a favorite) Welcome (Stafford would be a good master of ceremony and could take care of this) Reading: Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock (my favorite poem) Song: Amazing Grace (Beverly should sing this - she may be joined by Sharla and my mother in law if they wish) I really like this song and the other spirituals listed. This will be my god-allowance for my more spiritual friends/family Series of speakers (whoever wants to say a few words is welcome) Song: In the Garden (it makes me cry and will be appreciated by the god crowd) Eulogy - not sure who gets stuck with this responsibility. Decide amongst yourself. Processional: Summertime (Cole Porter's version as Summer is my favorite time of year) I think that is everything. There should maybe be a second reading, but I don't think we need to drag it on. Love you! Keep Mom from Catholicalling this all up. (Following the memorial, everyone should drink profusely. The Chimes would be a good location as I spent over 20 years drinking and eating there. Perhaps reserve the room downstairs? Just a thought.)

Ryan Lanza's Crappiest Day Ever

Yes, my heart breaks for the friends and families of the twenty six innocent people who have been killed today. I can't help but think that Ryan Lanza's day has been pretty crappy too and he has my sympathy (which would be quickly revoked should he turn out to be in any way involved.) What a nightmare scenario. You are going about your day in Hobokin, NJ. It is bad enough that you have that as the starting point. You are minding your own business and then all of a sudden your Twitter and Facebook feeds are blowing up naming you as a mass murderer of children. Your picture is everywhere. You name is mud. And that is not even the worst part! You find out that your mom is dead. Someone you know is certainly dead in your Mom's house. Your father has yet to be located according to the news. Your brother is dead AND a mass murderer of small children. The police show up and take you away in handcuffs and this is filmed for all to see and comment on.

Marriage is what bwings us togetha today

So Obama continues to be president, and the US Supreme Court will be reviewing marriage laws. Albeit this same Supreme Court has a member who thinks homosexuality is akin to beastiality (and oral sex must be a gateway sex?). But there are nine of them for a reason (yes, I had to look that number up. A dozen sounded better to me). I don't understand why people cannot be rational about marriage. Why do you care if Becky and Jane get hitched? This is not a religious thing. It is a practical one. Marriages are legal contracts between the couple and the State. That is it. Sure, some folks like to wrap Christ into their lives and their marriage ceremony and make it magical. But he never married (according to your Bible anyway) so he does not care. Marriage is nothing more than a contract. A powerful contract that enables you to pay joint taxes, own community property, and sit by your loved own's bed side in an ICU. It is the State and the couple agreeing to give one another certain rights and responsibilities within the relationship and within the State. Marriage enables you to commit your spouse should shit get crazy. Marriage enables you to determine the best interest of your partner should s/he be in a coma. Marriage means you do not have to testify against one another in a court of law. Marriage means if you marry a tax cheat, you both lose the house. Marriage means you are a "family" in the highest legal sense. It is a responsibility based on mutual trust and contractual obligation. So, yes marriage must legally involve two human beings. Dogs can't enter into contracts. Asshole. Marriage is not something magical - though it hopefully feels super special. Marriage is not something that will magically make society better or worse. Marriage is not undermined by the people getting married - just their marriages are in the case of poor choices. Marriage is not sacred. If it were, so many of you would not be serially marrying and divorcing within your churches. Marriage is not about having children or raising a family. (Having children is about having children.) Marriage is not something that you should unreasonably limit.

My body, please back off

So one of the scariest issues facing me right now is the prospect of a Romney/Ryan administration. It would mean the turning back of a century of progress within a single administration. Health care reform would go "bye bye." We would likely get into another pointless war for oil and attack Iran. The economy would go down the toilet. But even more immediate, my rights to birth control and abortion would be completely gone. As I count the days to me next depo provera shot, I am especially worried. I mean, the country will be going to hell in a handbasket and I will be forced to carry a child into it! It is unreal. I have never really understood the whole "pro life" drama that pervades our culture. I read an interesting article the other day in the NY Times about taking back the term "pro-life" from those who use it and yet think that the lives they value really end at conception. Once the child is born it is on its own and if it comes on my property, it will likely be shot. Don't spend my money on its education. Pfft. My own beloved mother is one of those special people who say rosaries for the poor aborted souls. She has gone so far as like Romney on Facebook. Of course it should be noted with the right amount of malice and irony that when her own daughter called from college saying she was pregnant and needed help, my mother was "too busy dealing with her own issues" to help a child into the world. While she never read any Ayn Rand that I know of, the same level of hypocrisy and shallow self-centeredness that makes up the Ryan/Romney ticket shows through. But this is a blog about my body and my fears, not her mind. I read the propaganda and have seen the horrible pictures of fetuses torn asunder. Yes it is horrible. But to my mind nothing is worse than an unloved, unwanted, unhealthy baby. Anyone who can get an abortion matter of factly or worse yet use abortions as their only means of birth control (and I think this group is way smaller than the pro-lifers would have us believe) should not have children!!! It is kind of a win-win situation. I realized a year ago that I definitely was not interested in having a child. Four words: panic attack during sex. You may recall, gentle reader, from an earlier blog that I had decided if Pete Wentz could be a father, I could be a mother. Nope. Turns out that is not true. My dog is in therapy (I will need to write a blog entry about that one in the near future), lord only knows what havoc I would wreak on an actual human child. Anyway, I digress. The ability to secure birth control and the security of knowing that should it fail, I have the option of abortion are things I value highly. Highly. Without that magical shot, my hormones run rampant. I have a 19 day cycle with migraines in between. It is not good for me, my husband or my ability to stay gainfully employed. Let's also discuss for a minute all of the practical health reasons to not have a child. There are enormous health risks for me the at-risk mother not to mention a fair chance that I will end up with post-pardum issues including everyone's favorite "post pardum psychosis." Both of us spent years on anti-depressents which have been tied directly to birth defects. We can skip over the high school and college years where we ingested chemicals that may or may not have impact on our DNA. Let's get to the fact that we are old. Our eggs and sperm have increased chances of all kinds of defects including Downs Syndrome. I live in a state that does not provide adequate resources to properly nurture this child's needs. And of course, if pro-lifers Ryan and Romney have a go, there won't be any federal resources to aid me either. Furthermore, why should someone's religious beliefs impact my daily life? I don't even believe in the existence of your god, why should he have a say on what I do with my body? We should never engage in marital relations unless we are willing and eager to have a child result? That is insane. We'll have to switch to anal.

It's the Economy Stupid

I don't get supporters of Mitt Romney. I just don't. He is being touted as the guy to fix the economy when it is guys just like him that are to blame for its current problems. While at Bain, he didn't create any new jobs for Americans; instead he got greedy and shipped them overseas. He is the problem not the solution. Giving him free reign over our economy just seems ridiculous. I did not watch the debate last night, but I must admit that the sound bites the next day make it seem like POTUS was not on his game. So Mitt Romney's big sound bite was that he was going to create 12 million new jobs over the next 4 years for the 23 million people out of work. Why, Mr. President, did you not bring up the fact that your administration has created new jobs in the millions, tried to create more opportunities just last week through the Veterans Job Act but was struck down by Romney's party? Why didn't you say, "Sir, you are the problem; not the solution. I've been creating jobs here in America as fast as you and your greedy cronies have sent them overseas." It would have been a perfect sound bite. I think, with all respect sir, you have had to be diplomatic for too long. Last night was not the time to be diplomatic; it was time to bring it. Please, Mr. President, shed the reserved persona we need you to maintain when dealing with your favorate Isreali, and let out a can of whoopass on Mr. Romney. I want to feel the excitement and energy you had four years ago. I know you are tired.I know you had to spend your 20th wedding anniversary talking to a prig on tv instead of being with the love of your life.I know you have made countless sacrifices over the last four years and we expect you to fight for four more. America needs you to fight a bit longer and a lot harder. Thank you. Sadie

Carnundrum or Why I Miss Saturn

So there is nothing more stressing than trying to buy a new car. Jeans? Bathing suits? Yes, please. I would rather suffer the indignity of trying to squeeze my ass into a pair of Gap skinny jeans than deal with the car situation. I recall the first time I went out into the big, bad world to purchase a new car. I was 22. It was the mid '90s. A grown up friend of mine recommended a Honda. I liked the look of the Mazda whatever. I test drove two cars. I hated the feel of the Honda and was overwhelmed by the pushy nature of the Mazda salesman. I could not do it. Then I heard about this wonderful car company. There are reasonably priced cars. Nice sales staff. No pressure. No haggling. Just go buy a car. It was the miracle I needed at the time. I decided against buying outright and opted to "smart buy" which was step up from leasing somehow. It was likly a scam, but it did not feel like one. That was all I cared about. I did not want to feel dirty after buying a car or talking to the sales person. And I didn't. And so my love affair with Saturn had begun. I had a wonderful routine. Every 3 years I would turn in my Saturn and upgrade to a nicer, newer model. Soon I had their small SUV which worked out perfectly. I could stick two dogs in cargo area and still have room for people. I was spoiled by leather interiors, heated seats, and sunroofs. It was perfect and then it ceased to be. Saturn was no more. My last "smart buy" SUV contract ended and I walked away carless. Well, I wasn't walking home or anything. I was left with the Saturn Ion coupe that we had actually bought used for my husband. Yes, we were sharing a car that could not comfortably seat more than 2 people. Sure, I could stick the kids in the back in carseats. They don't need legroom. I can stick a dog in the rear seat but he is inevitably trying to get in my lap and drive. But it worked. I told myself it would be for a limited period of time. Then I would return to the lap of SUV luxury. I would once again be riding tall, taking my friends in the car, driving the dogs the vet withour endangering us all. That was two years ago? In the meantime, I have done my best to find the next perfect car. I simply keep falling in love with the wrong car or car company. I have a killer crush on the Volvo SC90. It has the lush leather interior. Can comfortably fit friends, family, and dogs all at the same time. It is super safe and reliable. Unfortunately, it will not work. Sure I could almost afford it. I could buy one used. Stop going out to lunch ever. Let my hair turn grey and mousy brown. I could pay for premium gas and get like 13 mpg to and from work. But I would not be able to look myself in the eye with any sense of respect. Come on?! Mousy hair!! I therefore established a set of clear, practical criteria for my next vehicle. I thought this would be the best, less emotional response to meeting my needs and maintaining my self-respect. So my criteria: 1.) Safety first - must have a minimum of 4 star overall safety rating with a bunch of 5s throughout. 2.) Must fit people and dogs at the same time. So cargo area must be reasonable 3.) Must get a decent MPG rating and not need premium gas. 4.) Must be reliable and easy to service 5.) Must be affordable I have scoured the essays of Cars.Com for the better part of a year. This is so difficult. I originally wanted to buy an American car to support the US Auto Worker. Unfortunately, we don't build safe, reliable, affordable SUVs. I had great hopes for Ford's Escape. But its MPG and safety ratings are subpar. I fell in deep like with Subaru. Their commercials appeal to me in the same way the old Saturn ones used to. It is a lifestyle I can get behind. There is always a dog in the back. It would be perfect. But their mpg is a bit low and more importantly, I cannot have it easily serviced. The nearest Subaru dealership is in Lafayette. So it remains on the edge. Desparate, I started looking at the Korean car companies. They seem to have reliability, affordability, and safety under control. I like the Korean people, even have an affinity for them having lived there for four years. I could get behind that. I just can't get excited about them. I then thought about the ugly cars: the Kia Soul, Honda Element, Scion, Nisson Cube. I thought about them like ugly dogs. Ugly dogs hit a thresshold whereby their ugliness somehow makes them cute. Well these cars are so ugly but their affordability and practicality make them appealing. Unfortuntately the only one that can fit a dog in the cargo section is the Honda Element which is no longer made. Come on Kia Soul, can't you add just a foot to the cargo bed? And there is the unavoidable fact that I cannot drive a car that won't accelerate quickly enough to keep me from being killed on the interstate. None of these practical, ugly cars can meet that standard. While, I did not explicity state it in the list above, I include it in my mind with safety and reliability. So here are all of the cars I have considered so far: Volvo SC 90 and 60 - too expensive LandRover Range Rover - too expensive Jeeps (all of them) - not safe or fuel efficient Mazda, Nisson SUVs - kind of pricey Chevy/GMC SUVs - not as safe and fuel efficient as I would like. Ford Escape: ditto Honda CRV - ugly back end, not fuel efficient Honda Pilot: expensive and not very fuel efficient Toyota RAV4 and Higlander: same as pilot Lincoln and Cadillac: you must be joking Scion, Kia Soul, Nisson Cube: no room for dogs Honda Element - no longer made Hyundai and Kia SUVs: still a possibilty (no spark) Mitsubishi Outlander: in contention (just not excited) So I continue onward, hoping to fall in love again some day.