Daddy Issues

So I love and adore my father, but since his remarriage and retirement, he is becoming a person I have less and less in common with. He resides in an insular, Fox News watching, Christian Identity-based community in West Virginia. The toxins of his environment seem to be reshaping his identity and his values in ways I find frustrating and sad.

The person I always thought of as reasonable, is now reactionary. I am having a hard time dealing with this. He is not going to leave his new home. I don't want or expect him to. He is loved and supported there. I just wish the values he had imparted on his family of origin were also loved and supported. It is like the infrastructure that he once helped to build, is being forgotten and left to decay. His reality no longer resembles my own.

Religion

I must confess that I am not at all comfortable with people who claim to be religious, who have personal and meaningful relationships with their Lord. For those few people who have this and yet don't seem self-righteous or judgmental, I simply admire them. It is the other folks - the ones that want to discriminate against gays, remove evolution from school texts, rewrite history so that we are a Christian country, boycott a company for not affirming their religious values, and ship all Muslims off to the Middle East - that I have real issues with. The bible does NOT define marriage as "one man and one woman." At no time in the New Testament did Jesus say that homosexuality is wrong. Only the woman-hating, slavery is okay writings of Paul make these claims.

I come from a family where religion was used as the impetus for neglect, abuse and finally the dismantling of the family itself. My mother valued her time at her church over being a mother and housewife; valued her religious leader over the safety and well-being of her children; enabled her commitment to religion to justify her disowning her children and finally ending her marriage. Thankfully her religion provided the opportunity to annul the whole thing so she did not have to think about it any more. Now my father, who used to be the sane one, is allowing his religious beliefs or "values" as he calls them to alienate his daughter and her wife. I think all of this would be sufficient to from a psychological point of view explain my preference for logic and reason over emotions and beliefs.

I know people who do not let religion be used in this unhealthy way. I know people who are able to successfully balance their beliefs with healthy homes and families. They amaze me. It is like watching a complex magic trick and not understanding how they do that.

My issues with religion appeared before I understood the negative impact religion was having on my family. I remember my first major "logical awakening" very clearly. I think my experience actually mirrors the experience of those who find God or have a spiritual awakening, only mine was juxtaposed I suppose. I was sitting in church on Good Friday, attending mass as was required. We were at the point in the service whereby we were called to enact the trial of Jesus and yell, "Crucify Him." I had a slight out of body moment and was slammed to the ground with the realization that this particular exercise seemed wrong and sick. I was not personally to blame for Christ's execution. Spending time and energy on crowd-think was uncomfortable. Then I looked at the giant crucifix at the head of the alter. It seemed that this church did want to emphasize the suffering and man's inhumanity to man in a way that I at that moment thought was wrong. Week after week, I would go to church and stare at the dead Jesus on the cross that was the point of focus. I would listen to the mass which included the miraculous trick of turning bread into flesh and wine into blood. I got sicker and more uncomfortable. I felt like I was surrounded by crazy or had woken up in an episode of Twilight Zone. Bear in mind, I was in high school and still had to continue attending mass every Sunday feeling increasingly uncomfortable and disenfranchised from this reality.

Once I was out of the house and answerable to myself for my time, I tried out a few of the other Christian churches, but at this point it was too late. I looked into Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism. I could not make sense out of these beliefs or their applicability to my life. I tried being agnostic, imagining a God that served as creator but little else. I couldn't get there.

I am left with atheism. I am good with that. I don't want to imagine a God that either doesn't care about the world's suffering, is powerless to do anything, or has some great plan that really sucks for most. A belief in no god gives me comfort. I know that I am responsible for my own actions. I am responsible for the choices I make and the consequences I endure. I have control over what I can control. I am empowered to the degree I can be. I work to be a good person, because I know that goodness is the better choice. It is logical. It is safe. It is comforting.

Dorothy Jean

For many years growing up, I thought my grandmother was the most glamorous woman ever. She had an old Hollywood grace about her. I thought she looked like Ginger Rogers. A stunner as a young woman, my Grammy was born into poverty. Her parents were Polish immigrants that either met on the boat or had an arranged marriage (or both) depending on who was telling the story when. Her father was a very handsome man who worked as a coal miner in Wilkes-Barre, PA. He had quite the temper and once killed a man in a bar fight. Strict Catholics, Dorothy lost her older sister to a botched abortion in her youth so she knew the perils of illegal and unsafe abortions quite personally. She would be quite vocal on that one subject. In the 1940s, she became a pen pal like many other young girls to GIs off at war. My grandfather intercepted her letters to another soldier who was either already married or just a player and unworthy of Dorothy's attentions. My grandparents fell in love over the course of their correspondence. When Grandpa returned from the war, they met for the first time to get their blood tests, meet family and then were soon married. My grandmother was not yet 18. It was clear to me that she wanted out of her town, and was ready to find a new adventure. In 1948 she lost her first child and nearly lost her life. Despite being told to avoid pregnancy for a while, she successfully gave birth to two more sons (including my father in 1951), a daughter and then they adopted their next child from Korea. The family was living in Boston. My grandfather worked for an engineering firm. My grandmother went to work once the kids were in school as a psychiatric nurse so she would have something to do and so my grandfather could go to school and earn his BS in Engineering from Northeastern. As a couple, they were inseparable and liked to keep busy. Grammy had her first hear attack at 50 and they both slowed down some. During their early retirement years, they had moved into a retirement community in NH. Grandpa would do general maintenance and Grammy would monitor blood pressures and blood sugars for the old folks. They drove the bus every morning for the special needs students in the area. Grandpa would drive and Grammy would monitor the kids. Parents had the relief of having a qualified nurse to supervise their morning rides to school. Things slowed down considerably in 1996 when Grandpa was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. They moved to another retirement community outside of Sarasota, FL. Grammy nursed him through his treatments. Grandpa was on the mend but Grammy's health issues began to hinder them both. She suffered from Reynaud's syndrome, lymphoma, heart disease, broken bones, repeated blood infections. It was a slow, unpleasant drop in her quality of life. She had always told me that she believed in the power of one's own brain. If she wanted to lose weight, she would self-hypnotize as she called it. She would talk herself into being less hungry. I think she talked herself out of living in the end. She was done. She had a good run.

Bible Verses

One of my biggest pet peeves right now has to do with the use of the bible as a rationale against gay marriage. Let's be clear. There are many passages in the bible. Three mention gay sex. Let's explore what they say and whether they provide a clear reason to oppose gay marriage. Genesis 18-20: The tale of Sodom & Gomorrah. So god destroys the cities because everyone is having sex with everyone and everything. Oh and then Lot's daughters sleep with their father because he was such an awesome man they want to preserve his "seed". Incest is apparently just fine. So is drugging your father so he doesn't know you are raping him. Are you fucking kidding me??? Leviticus 18: Lots of rules about who you should not have sex with, and homosexual sex is expressly forbidden. But in the same book so is eating a steak that is cooked raw, eating shellfish, getting your ears pierced, getting a tattoo, mixing your fabrics, clipping your sideburns, eating fruit from a fruit tree during the first 3 years. Also, I don't know any good Christians who are regularly slaughtering lambs and bulls as sacrifices. Also men are only allowed to marry virgins. Good luck there. Paul mentions homosexuality a couple of times in his letters to the Corinthians and Romans. But Paul is a pompous ass. He also says that women should not talk in church, and that it is okay to own and sleep with your slaves.

My Masculine Mind

All the BS arguments about how women are one way and men are another aside, I listen to people in a way that is most associated with masculinity. I do not simply listen and offer supporting affirmations. I just don't do it. My mind instead starts churning out possible variables and solutions. You have presented me with a puzzle or a problem and I want to help you solve it. That is the way my mind works. I take on the sharing of your burden. It becomes mine as well. I game theory it out with several Boolean type pathways. While this is especially useful for me professionally, it does not always meet the needs/expectations of my friends and family. They know my limitations and strengths. If they present me with a problem, I will present them with options to explore. If they want someone to just listen in a non-judgmental way, they talk to my husband.

Songs for Living (Songs for Warriors and Chemo Patients)

Needed an upbeat list of life-affirming songs to use to get through the rough patches. Pretty sure I could just listen to any album from Polyphonic Spree and I would feel better, but a play list is much better! All: Vida Blue All American Rejects: Swing Swing Alkaline Trio: Movin Right Along Alkaline Trio: Blue Carolina Alkaline Trio: Time to Waste Black Eyed Peas: Alive Black Eyed Peas: I Gotta Feeling Blink 182: Josie Blink 182: All the Small Things Blink 182: Feeling This Blink 182: Party Song B.o.B.: Airplanes Dropkick Murphys: Warrior's Code Dropkick Murphys: My Hero Dropkick Murphys: Never Forget Green Day: Having a Blast Green Day: When I Come Around Green Day: 2000 Light Years Away Green Day: Christie Road Fall Out Boy: Phoenix Fall Out Boy: Dance, Dance Florence & the Machine: Dog Days Are Over Florence & the Machine: Shake It Out Foo Fighters: Times Like These Foo Fighter: My Hero fun.: Stitch Me Up Gym Class Heroes: The Fighter Jezabels: She's So Hard MIA: Paperplanes No Doubt: Just a Girl No Doubt: New NoFX: Bob Outkast; Hey Ya! P!nk: Raise Your Glass P!nk: Don't Let Me Get Me Pitbull: Rain Over Me Polyphonic Spree: Soldier Girl Polyphonic Spree: Get Up and Go REM: Shiny Happy People REM: Fall On Me Shakira: Hips Don't Lie Tom Petty: Freefalling Tom Petty: American Girl

Song to Die to

My best friend since college (other than my husband) has been dealing with her sister's recent diagnosis of brain cancer. This is her second cancer and despite the chemo and radiation will most likely be terminal. Very heavy stuff. But my darling friend is staying strong through this - providing support to he family often to the detriment of her own sanity and health. Stress takes a toll. That said, she has a friend who also has a sister that is dying - only this death is a matter of days and hours not years. So she started making song recommendations for this sister to listen to while in hospice care. I though the idea of a soundtrack for death makes a lot of sense. We have had mixed tapes or now playlists for all of our major roadtrips and life events. So I need ideas of songs to die to. I will start the list. I am doing this alphabetically by artist. The mix itself will have to be better thought out. AFI: Girls Not Grey (Davey Havok will be so proud to be on this list! And to be fair, Sing the Sorrow will make you wish you were dead if you listen to it all the way through) Airborne Toxic Event: Does this Mean You're Moving On Alkaline Trio: I'm Dying Tommorrow Alkaline Trio: Live Yound, Die Fast (from Agony and Irony) Alkaline Trio: Mercy Me (from Crimson) (There are a ton of Alkaline Trio songs that are really appropriate, but I won't list all of them, just a select few. I will limit myself to three. Seriously, you could just pick any album to die to) Beastie Boys: Bodhisattva Vow (from Ill Communication) Beastie Boys: Intergalactic (Hello Nasty) BoB: So Hard to Breathe (Strange Clouds) Concrete Blonde: Walking in London David Bowie: Ashes to Ashes Everclear: So Much for the Afterglow Fall Out Boy: Calm Before the Storm Incubus: Stellar Jezabels: Into the Ink Jimmy Eat World: My Sundown (Bleed American) The Lawrence Arms: Necrotism Metric: Help I'm Alive MGMT: Love Always Remains Motion City Soundtrack: Fell Like Rain My Chemical Romance: The End New Pornographers: Go Places No Doubt (TaLk Talk Remix): It's My Life Panic at the Disco: She Had the World (Pretty. Odd) Peter Shilling: Major Tom The Pogues: Streets of Sorrow Polyphonic Spree: Its The Sun Stars: Winter Bones (Five Ghosts) Thin Lizzy: Sun Goes Down Tori Amos: Winter This list will be a work in progress of course. My next song list will be songs for chemo. I think a playlist for undergoing chemotherapy would be important to have on hand. Dropkick Murpheys The Warrior's Code will definitely be on that list and Jezabels She's So Hard.