Act Up

Crises are unavoidable. Crises are terrible. We had going through pain, dissolution, betrayal, and loss. But when a crisis unfolds in your life, remember to ACT UP.

A: Acknowledge the suck. Whatever is happening feels like the worst. Lean into that feeling. This is the time to cry, to scream, to rail against the world for not being fair.

C: Continue. As much as you would prefer to shit down physically and emotionally, you cannot. You must continue to live your life. You must continue to love yourself and others. Get moving. Get out.

T: Take responsibility for what you own only. Don't let someone else's crap become yours. But you can't disavow that which is yours either. Reflect on what part you or your actions may have played. Own that. Learn from that.

U: Use your resources. No person is an island. Don't let shame or embarrassment keep you from reaching out to loved ones or professionals and asking for help. That's what they are there for. Don't try to do everything alone.

P: Process to proceed. You can't make real progress out of a crisis without doing the work. Some chunk of this work will be emotional. Have those internal dialogues. Figure out what your logic says to you and how you feel. How can you best go forward now? What more do you need to succeed after this? What have you learned?

Book in Progress:

It is never easy to keep the crazy at bay.... that's what Micah thinks as she pours herself another class of red. The crazy just hovers ready to pounce much like 2 Socks the cat as he goes after a long neglected dust bunny that floats across the floor.

2 Socks takes a moment to run full force at the dust ball, missing it and slamming his bulky tuxedo body into the table leg. A little red wine tops over the rim but stays put.

Crazy... the word echoes through her head. If you know you are going crazy, that means you actually can't be right? Stupid therapy and transcendental meditation. Like every other middle aged woman in her sphere, Micah had been in and out of various therapists offices since her twenties. Her current therapist was way more groovy than Micah is normally comfortable with. But she is trying to push her limits and  comfort zones. Of course this has led to crazy beating down her door. Try meditation, says the therapist.

But what if I am too good at it? Why didn't we think of that? Scheduled holiday break plus vacation meant two weeks without therapy. Perfectly good time to try meditation. Wrong.

It was a Tuesday. Micah hates Tuesdays. It is psychically the farthest day from the weekend. Anyway. A Tuesday. Micah decided to meditate. She sat quietly and focused on all the chaos of her family and work. She imagined it as a storm in the sky. She let the imagery take her to forming the clouds, the wind and some snow for fun. She could see the storm so clearly as she formed it in her mind. Micah never imagined it would actually form as blizzard that was hitting New Orleans.

Total coincidence. Just happenstance. The fact that Micah is now concerned she has the power to control the weather... no the fact that she just thinks such a thing could be possible has forced the crazy flags to full mast.   So New Orleans never gets blizzards, does not mean it could not happen. Weather is unpredictable. Climate change is real. Weather is changing because of it. It could be her. That would be too crazy to contemplate. 

Triggers Aplenty

So I survived the #me2 and Time's Up movement when it first got going. It was hard, but I made it through with a modicum of tears. This latest Dr Ford and Kavanaugh shit is leaving me pretty fucked up. I am just sad. I know what it means to not report. I've seen the effects of reporting. Hell I wrote the letters of response in some cases..." we see no clear evidence...." When it is he said/she said someone's career is more important than honesty or justice. I watched Anita Hill get before the nation and talk about the humiliating sexual bullshit she endured and nothing happened other than she became a household name. I never want to be a household name. Every instance of BS at this campus, I have seen the women who spoke up have to leave. I have seen the women who kept silent, endure. That's the way of our world. Speaking up too often outweighs the trauma of the initial incident. Women know the meaning of the term "return on investment" and "gray area"

14 Years

14 years is too long to wait for retribution. A certain university president just resigned due to an anonymous email accusing him of plagiarism. Technically the allegations are true. I recall pointing out the passages that hadn't been cited and were just plopped verbatim onto the page back when I saw the dissertation. At the time I was pissed by his laziness, not just with the dissertation, but with all of the other writing he had done through the course of acquiring his degree. I was pissed and disappointed in many of his then failings as a human being. I won't go into the details. But 14 years is too long to wait to make this public.

Now it is just tacky to bring up this sort of failing. I will pause to say that I don't feel this way about everything - actual crimes that harm people should be punished no matter how much time had passed. In this case, the man's contributions and successes after this degree should far out-measure his laziness back in the day. It is only because of his success now that this is even an issue. If he didn't have the smarts and skills represented by the degree, he would not have gotten to the point where this sort of allegation could be so damaging. I can't see continued laziness being rewarded for this long. I just can't.

I know I didn't turn him in. I think destroying his career this far out is inviting some serious bad mojo or karma.   But now I am going through the list of folks I know who knew, and wonder. Who did it? What was the motivation? Was it G who is now retired and is full of the need to right past wrongs? Was it A who is in the midst of his own success? What made this come up now?

Did someone hate him so much that they decided the moment he had his dream job was the right time? And it was his dream job - the pinnacle of his success as he defined at the beginning of his career in higher ed. He told lots of people that one day he would be President of ---. And he's done it. Only to have it ripped from his grasp. What sort of person holds on to bad feelings this long? I am glad that I got over it. I can't imagine holding on to that sort of toxicity. Not good for anyone. 

Follow Up on Match

So, I heard back a few weeks later that while I was a viable match after further testing, my match was no longer eligible for treatment. That could be good. It could be bad. I hope that he was responding well to his treatment and no longer needed my cells. I am not convinced, but it could have been and I will never know. 

Anniversary Life

Last night was my 21st wedding anniversary. Yes, we've been making the joke that our marriage can now legally drink so it no longer sees the fun in it. While out to drink after a lovely dinner, I got a text from Be the Match. A whole different set of life changing match making was in the works on our wedding anniversary. I appear to be a good match for a 66 year old man with a condition I couldn't spell yet alone recall.

I immediately agreed to do whatever was necessary - after initially considering that I may save the life of a Trump supporting bigot - but I don't ever have to know so I can pretend he works for the Southern Poverty Law Center instead.

Anyway, I was shocked by how emotional I was reacting. I have tears just thinking about this. I can imagine the hope that this man and his family must have with a match a possibility./ Be the Match details the commitment of time, travel and discomfort that will be likely. I don't just go down the road to the hospital and donate some blood like I initially thought. Yes, I get now that the non-surgical donation option involves several days of treatments in advance of several hours of fluid draw. I weigh my discomfort and the annoyance/inconvenience of this again someone else's dying and it seems a pretty clear trade off.

I have just sent in my consent papers to have my initial sample tested further to see if we are indeed a good match for one another and to ensure that the sample provided at the time is not indicative of any health risks. I will keep you posted.....

Thoughts on Marriage

What is the key to staying married? Staying married. Realize that shit is going to crop up and you either deal with it together or you'll deal with it separately. Therapy has a better return on investment than divorce. Realize that there will be days when your spouse gets on your last nerve; when his breathing bugs the shit out of you. 9 times out of 10 - it isn't actually him. It isn't even you. It is stress from work, from bills, your hormones or exhaustion that is being incorrectly but oh so conveniently directed at your spouse. Ignore it and hope that you both don't feel this way at the exact same time.

People claim that marriage is about compromise and sacrifice. I call bullshit on that. Marriage is inherently a selfish act. It is a relationship whereby you are a better you because of your spouse. Together you are the best individuals you can be. A healthy marriage isn't full of sacrifices; it is full of opportunities for growth. Over the last decade or so, we've known you as individuals and as parts of a pair. We can safely say that you've grown well together and that together you are better yous than you are apart.

May your married life be drama free. May your marriage be punctuated by laughter, peppered by doggie kisses, strengthened by your individuality, underpinned by friendship, and reinforced by your love for one another, May you giggle twenty years from now when you look at each other and realize, "we're married."