Ryan Lanza's Crappiest Day Ever

Yes, my heart breaks for the friends and families of the twenty six innocent people who have been killed today. I can't help but think that Ryan Lanza's day has been pretty crappy too and he has my sympathy (which would be quickly revoked should he turn out to be in any way involved.) What a nightmare scenario. You are going about your day in Hobokin, NJ. It is bad enough that you have that as the starting point. You are minding your own business and then all of a sudden your Twitter and Facebook feeds are blowing up naming you as a mass murderer of children. Your picture is everywhere. You name is mud. And that is not even the worst part! You find out that your mom is dead. Someone you know is certainly dead in your Mom's house. Your father has yet to be located according to the news. Your brother is dead AND a mass murderer of small children. The police show up and take you away in handcuffs and this is filmed for all to see and comment on.

Marriage is what bwings us togetha today

So Obama continues to be president, and the US Supreme Court will be reviewing marriage laws. Albeit this same Supreme Court has a member who thinks homosexuality is akin to beastiality (and oral sex must be a gateway sex?). But there are nine of them for a reason (yes, I had to look that number up. A dozen sounded better to me). I don't understand why people cannot be rational about marriage. Why do you care if Becky and Jane get hitched? This is not a religious thing. It is a practical one. Marriages are legal contracts between the couple and the State. That is it. Sure, some folks like to wrap Christ into their lives and their marriage ceremony and make it magical. But he never married (according to your Bible anyway) so he does not care. Marriage is nothing more than a contract. A powerful contract that enables you to pay joint taxes, own community property, and sit by your loved own's bed side in an ICU. It is the State and the couple agreeing to give one another certain rights and responsibilities within the relationship and within the State. Marriage enables you to commit your spouse should shit get crazy. Marriage enables you to determine the best interest of your partner should s/he be in a coma. Marriage means you do not have to testify against one another in a court of law. Marriage means if you marry a tax cheat, you both lose the house. Marriage means you are a "family" in the highest legal sense. It is a responsibility based on mutual trust and contractual obligation. So, yes marriage must legally involve two human beings. Dogs can't enter into contracts. Asshole. Marriage is not something magical - though it hopefully feels super special. Marriage is not something that will magically make society better or worse. Marriage is not undermined by the people getting married - just their marriages are in the case of poor choices. Marriage is not sacred. If it were, so many of you would not be serially marrying and divorcing within your churches. Marriage is not about having children or raising a family. (Having children is about having children.) Marriage is not something that you should unreasonably limit.

My body, please back off

So one of the scariest issues facing me right now is the prospect of a Romney/Ryan administration. It would mean the turning back of a century of progress within a single administration. Health care reform would go "bye bye." We would likely get into another pointless war for oil and attack Iran. The economy would go down the toilet. But even more immediate, my rights to birth control and abortion would be completely gone. As I count the days to me next depo provera shot, I am especially worried. I mean, the country will be going to hell in a handbasket and I will be forced to carry a child into it! It is unreal. I have never really understood the whole "pro life" drama that pervades our culture. I read an interesting article the other day in the NY Times about taking back the term "pro-life" from those who use it and yet think that the lives they value really end at conception. Once the child is born it is on its own and if it comes on my property, it will likely be shot. Don't spend my money on its education. Pfft. My own beloved mother is one of those special people who say rosaries for the poor aborted souls. She has gone so far as like Romney on Facebook. Of course it should be noted with the right amount of malice and irony that when her own daughter called from college saying she was pregnant and needed help, my mother was "too busy dealing with her own issues" to help a child into the world. While she never read any Ayn Rand that I know of, the same level of hypocrisy and shallow self-centeredness that makes up the Ryan/Romney ticket shows through. But this is a blog about my body and my fears, not her mind. I read the propaganda and have seen the horrible pictures of fetuses torn asunder. Yes it is horrible. But to my mind nothing is worse than an unloved, unwanted, unhealthy baby. Anyone who can get an abortion matter of factly or worse yet use abortions as their only means of birth control (and I think this group is way smaller than the pro-lifers would have us believe) should not have children!!! It is kind of a win-win situation. I realized a year ago that I definitely was not interested in having a child. Four words: panic attack during sex. You may recall, gentle reader, from an earlier blog that I had decided if Pete Wentz could be a father, I could be a mother. Nope. Turns out that is not true. My dog is in therapy (I will need to write a blog entry about that one in the near future), lord only knows what havoc I would wreak on an actual human child. Anyway, I digress. The ability to secure birth control and the security of knowing that should it fail, I have the option of abortion are things I value highly. Highly. Without that magical shot, my hormones run rampant. I have a 19 day cycle with migraines in between. It is not good for me, my husband or my ability to stay gainfully employed. Let's also discuss for a minute all of the practical health reasons to not have a child. There are enormous health risks for me the at-risk mother not to mention a fair chance that I will end up with post-pardum issues including everyone's favorite "post pardum psychosis." Both of us spent years on anti-depressents which have been tied directly to birth defects. We can skip over the high school and college years where we ingested chemicals that may or may not have impact on our DNA. Let's get to the fact that we are old. Our eggs and sperm have increased chances of all kinds of defects including Downs Syndrome. I live in a state that does not provide adequate resources to properly nurture this child's needs. And of course, if pro-lifers Ryan and Romney have a go, there won't be any federal resources to aid me either. Furthermore, why should someone's religious beliefs impact my daily life? I don't even believe in the existence of your god, why should he have a say on what I do with my body? We should never engage in marital relations unless we are willing and eager to have a child result? That is insane. We'll have to switch to anal.

It's the Economy Stupid

I don't get supporters of Mitt Romney. I just don't. He is being touted as the guy to fix the economy when it is guys just like him that are to blame for its current problems. While at Bain, he didn't create any new jobs for Americans; instead he got greedy and shipped them overseas. He is the problem not the solution. Giving him free reign over our economy just seems ridiculous. I did not watch the debate last night, but I must admit that the sound bites the next day make it seem like POTUS was not on his game. So Mitt Romney's big sound bite was that he was going to create 12 million new jobs over the next 4 years for the 23 million people out of work. Why, Mr. President, did you not bring up the fact that your administration has created new jobs in the millions, tried to create more opportunities just last week through the Veterans Job Act but was struck down by Romney's party? Why didn't you say, "Sir, you are the problem; not the solution. I've been creating jobs here in America as fast as you and your greedy cronies have sent them overseas." It would have been a perfect sound bite. I think, with all respect sir, you have had to be diplomatic for too long. Last night was not the time to be diplomatic; it was time to bring it. Please, Mr. President, shed the reserved persona we need you to maintain when dealing with your favorate Isreali, and let out a can of whoopass on Mr. Romney. I want to feel the excitement and energy you had four years ago. I know you are tired.I know you had to spend your 20th wedding anniversary talking to a prig on tv instead of being with the love of your life.I know you have made countless sacrifices over the last four years and we expect you to fight for four more. America needs you to fight a bit longer and a lot harder. Thank you. Sadie

Carnundrum or Why I Miss Saturn

So there is nothing more stressing than trying to buy a new car. Jeans? Bathing suits? Yes, please. I would rather suffer the indignity of trying to squeeze my ass into a pair of Gap skinny jeans than deal with the car situation. I recall the first time I went out into the big, bad world to purchase a new car. I was 22. It was the mid '90s. A grown up friend of mine recommended a Honda. I liked the look of the Mazda whatever. I test drove two cars. I hated the feel of the Honda and was overwhelmed by the pushy nature of the Mazda salesman. I could not do it. Then I heard about this wonderful car company. There are reasonably priced cars. Nice sales staff. No pressure. No haggling. Just go buy a car. It was the miracle I needed at the time. I decided against buying outright and opted to "smart buy" which was step up from leasing somehow. It was likly a scam, but it did not feel like one. That was all I cared about. I did not want to feel dirty after buying a car or talking to the sales person. And I didn't. And so my love affair with Saturn had begun. I had a wonderful routine. Every 3 years I would turn in my Saturn and upgrade to a nicer, newer model. Soon I had their small SUV which worked out perfectly. I could stick two dogs in cargo area and still have room for people. I was spoiled by leather interiors, heated seats, and sunroofs. It was perfect and then it ceased to be. Saturn was no more. My last "smart buy" SUV contract ended and I walked away carless. Well, I wasn't walking home or anything. I was left with the Saturn Ion coupe that we had actually bought used for my husband. Yes, we were sharing a car that could not comfortably seat more than 2 people. Sure, I could stick the kids in the back in carseats. They don't need legroom. I can stick a dog in the rear seat but he is inevitably trying to get in my lap and drive. But it worked. I told myself it would be for a limited period of time. Then I would return to the lap of SUV luxury. I would once again be riding tall, taking my friends in the car, driving the dogs the vet withour endangering us all. That was two years ago? In the meantime, I have done my best to find the next perfect car. I simply keep falling in love with the wrong car or car company. I have a killer crush on the Volvo SC90. It has the lush leather interior. Can comfortably fit friends, family, and dogs all at the same time. It is super safe and reliable. Unfortunately, it will not work. Sure I could almost afford it. I could buy one used. Stop going out to lunch ever. Let my hair turn grey and mousy brown. I could pay for premium gas and get like 13 mpg to and from work. But I would not be able to look myself in the eye with any sense of respect. Come on?! Mousy hair!! I therefore established a set of clear, practical criteria for my next vehicle. I thought this would be the best, less emotional response to meeting my needs and maintaining my self-respect. So my criteria: 1.) Safety first - must have a minimum of 4 star overall safety rating with a bunch of 5s throughout. 2.) Must fit people and dogs at the same time. So cargo area must be reasonable 3.) Must get a decent MPG rating and not need premium gas. 4.) Must be reliable and easy to service 5.) Must be affordable I have scoured the essays of Cars.Com for the better part of a year. This is so difficult. I originally wanted to buy an American car to support the US Auto Worker. Unfortunately, we don't build safe, reliable, affordable SUVs. I had great hopes for Ford's Escape. But its MPG and safety ratings are subpar. I fell in deep like with Subaru. Their commercials appeal to me in the same way the old Saturn ones used to. It is a lifestyle I can get behind. There is always a dog in the back. It would be perfect. But their mpg is a bit low and more importantly, I cannot have it easily serviced. The nearest Subaru dealership is in Lafayette. So it remains on the edge. Desparate, I started looking at the Korean car companies. They seem to have reliability, affordability, and safety under control. I like the Korean people, even have an affinity for them having lived there for four years. I could get behind that. I just can't get excited about them. I then thought about the ugly cars: the Kia Soul, Honda Element, Scion, Nisson Cube. I thought about them like ugly dogs. Ugly dogs hit a thresshold whereby their ugliness somehow makes them cute. Well these cars are so ugly but their affordability and practicality make them appealing. Unfortuntately the only one that can fit a dog in the cargo section is the Honda Element which is no longer made. Come on Kia Soul, can't you add just a foot to the cargo bed? And there is the unavoidable fact that I cannot drive a car that won't accelerate quickly enough to keep me from being killed on the interstate. None of these practical, ugly cars can meet that standard. While, I did not explicity state it in the list above, I include it in my mind with safety and reliability. So here are all of the cars I have considered so far: Volvo SC 90 and 60 - too expensive LandRover Range Rover - too expensive Jeeps (all of them) - not safe or fuel efficient Mazda, Nisson SUVs - kind of pricey Chevy/GMC SUVs - not as safe and fuel efficient as I would like. Ford Escape: ditto Honda CRV - ugly back end, not fuel efficient Honda Pilot: expensive and not very fuel efficient Toyota RAV4 and Higlander: same as pilot Lincoln and Cadillac: you must be joking Scion, Kia Soul, Nisson Cube: no room for dogs Honda Element - no longer made Hyundai and Kia SUVs: still a possibilty (no spark) Mitsubishi Outlander: in contention (just not excited) So I continue onward, hoping to fall in love again some day.

New York New York

I have not been to NYC in a few years. The last time I was there was just for an evening and we spent our time in SoHo. How pretentious does that sound? Well it is about to get worse. This time I actually stayed the night (well three to be exact) in Chelsea at the Hotel Indigo. I had a wonderful time. There are things about the city that I love but for the most part, I frickin hate NYC. There I said it. My relatives (my mother's side goes back for generations in NY) are spinning in their graves (to be fair, they were still spinning from me marrying a Southern protestant AND choosing to live in the South). My mother's family was old NY money (not Vanderbilt old, but Irish old) - they had what today would be a mansion complete with wrap around porch in Riverdale. They finally moved out to Long Island and then dispersed as the money had long since run out. If I lived there, I would soon run out of money as well. So I was in Chelsea. It is a cute little neighborhood rich in history and well situated to everything from Herald Square to Broadway to Penn Station and the Empire State Building. You can get to everything fairly easily. We walked to Chelsea Pier and back in the rain. Lovely time for real. What I hate are the rats, the fact that our hotel room was the size of my bathroom at home, that Central Park smells like bum piss and has rats instead of squirrels, and that everything is so crowded and confined. After traveling thru airports and being on an airplane, I nearly had a panic attack when I got the hotel and there was no sprawling lobby space and our hotel room had room enough for an almost king sized bed and a chair. I need space. And I need green. The only thing that saved our street was the fact that there were a bunch of flower shops on it and one exotic plant store that had its wares out along the sidewalk. Otherwise I may have lost my mind completely. Too many people. Way too many rats (I like mine dead or at the very least completely out of sight). Way too little space. And $60 for two drinks is outrageous.

I Hate Helicopter Parents or Why Gen X Should Not Have Had Kids

I work at a University in the South. I was born in the early 70s. I have witnessed first hand my generation go from disenfranchised slackers to insane helicopter parents. It is a sad and frightful thing. My generation should have not had children. It is a simple thing. We (and I use this term to own up to the fact that had I had children in my 20s I might be this sort of person now)felt so neglected and alienated from our own parents that we coddle our children to the point of unhealthy enablement. They cannot ride their bikes unescorted down the street. They cannot go out without GPS enabled on their cell phones. Yes, we were all scared shitless when little Adam was kidnapped from the shopping center and this traumatized us to the point that we become uber-protective. I will allow that children ought to be protected. I think children should be coddled and feel important. However there is a line and that line is the magical age of 18. Cut the apron (and purse strings) Gen X parents! Sure we were shoved off into the scary world all on our own without direction. Sure we wondered around experimenting with heroin and bathing in our ennui. So what? Every generation has to find themselves and that is messy. Let your children wander free. Disengage. Their lives are not yours to run. Find a new hobby. Perhaps train a dog in agility? Build a kit car to tool around town in. Stop hovering over your grown children. They need guidance from afar when requested. You do not need to hold their hands through college. And you certainly do not need to call their places of employment and advocate on their behalf. Let your kids fight their own battles now. They are grown up physically. They will never emotionally mature if you continue to run their lives!

I Understand You Are a Dirty Hippy

Look, I understand that you are a dirty hippy. You can still smell like a civilized human being and not a Big Mac. Yes, you have a hipster persona that you must maintain. You don't want to poison your temple of a body with toxic antiperspirants. Fine. I get that. I am not happy about the aluminum in my Secret. However, I must interact with other humans and I don't want to offend them by smelling bad. You know, like you. There are many options that you should explore especially since you live in a swamp and it is June. You don't want your dog think it should roll around on you instead of the dead squirrel carcass in the back yard because you smell worse. Here are my suggestions: 1.) Get rid of your hippy soap and regularly wash (twice a day during the summer please) with a stronger soap like Dial. 2.) Invest in wet wipes. Scrub those arm pits periodically throughout the day (especially while at work) 3.) Buy some deodorant. It does not contain the poisonous chemicals of an antiperspirant. 4.) Try to keep fresh and dry by applying baby powder to those trouble areas. I want you to succeed hipster. But more importantly, I want to be able to stand next you without my eyes watering.