Carnundrum or Why I Miss Saturn

So there is nothing more stressing than trying to buy a new car. Jeans? Bathing suits? Yes, please. I would rather suffer the indignity of trying to squeeze my ass into a pair of Gap skinny jeans than deal with the car situation. I recall the first time I went out into the big, bad world to purchase a new car. I was 22. It was the mid '90s. A grown up friend of mine recommended a Honda. I liked the look of the Mazda whatever. I test drove two cars. I hated the feel of the Honda and was overwhelmed by the pushy nature of the Mazda salesman. I could not do it. Then I heard about this wonderful car company. There are reasonably priced cars. Nice sales staff. No pressure. No haggling. Just go buy a car. It was the miracle I needed at the time. I decided against buying outright and opted to "smart buy" which was step up from leasing somehow. It was likly a scam, but it did not feel like one. That was all I cared about. I did not want to feel dirty after buying a car or talking to the sales person. And I didn't. And so my love affair with Saturn had begun. I had a wonderful routine. Every 3 years I would turn in my Saturn and upgrade to a nicer, newer model. Soon I had their small SUV which worked out perfectly. I could stick two dogs in cargo area and still have room for people. I was spoiled by leather interiors, heated seats, and sunroofs. It was perfect and then it ceased to be. Saturn was no more. My last "smart buy" SUV contract ended and I walked away carless. Well, I wasn't walking home or anything. I was left with the Saturn Ion coupe that we had actually bought used for my husband. Yes, we were sharing a car that could not comfortably seat more than 2 people. Sure, I could stick the kids in the back in carseats. They don't need legroom. I can stick a dog in the rear seat but he is inevitably trying to get in my lap and drive. But it worked. I told myself it would be for a limited period of time. Then I would return to the lap of SUV luxury. I would once again be riding tall, taking my friends in the car, driving the dogs the vet withour endangering us all. That was two years ago? In the meantime, I have done my best to find the next perfect car. I simply keep falling in love with the wrong car or car company. I have a killer crush on the Volvo SC90. It has the lush leather interior. Can comfortably fit friends, family, and dogs all at the same time. It is super safe and reliable. Unfortunately, it will not work. Sure I could almost afford it. I could buy one used. Stop going out to lunch ever. Let my hair turn grey and mousy brown. I could pay for premium gas and get like 13 mpg to and from work. But I would not be able to look myself in the eye with any sense of respect. Come on?! Mousy hair!! I therefore established a set of clear, practical criteria for my next vehicle. I thought this would be the best, less emotional response to meeting my needs and maintaining my self-respect. So my criteria: 1.) Safety first - must have a minimum of 4 star overall safety rating with a bunch of 5s throughout. 2.) Must fit people and dogs at the same time. So cargo area must be reasonable 3.) Must get a decent MPG rating and not need premium gas. 4.) Must be reliable and easy to service 5.) Must be affordable I have scoured the essays of Cars.Com for the better part of a year. This is so difficult. I originally wanted to buy an American car to support the US Auto Worker. Unfortunately, we don't build safe, reliable, affordable SUVs. I had great hopes for Ford's Escape. But its MPG and safety ratings are subpar. I fell in deep like with Subaru. Their commercials appeal to me in the same way the old Saturn ones used to. It is a lifestyle I can get behind. There is always a dog in the back. It would be perfect. But their mpg is a bit low and more importantly, I cannot have it easily serviced. The nearest Subaru dealership is in Lafayette. So it remains on the edge. Desparate, I started looking at the Korean car companies. They seem to have reliability, affordability, and safety under control. I like the Korean people, even have an affinity for them having lived there for four years. I could get behind that. I just can't get excited about them. I then thought about the ugly cars: the Kia Soul, Honda Element, Scion, Nisson Cube. I thought about them like ugly dogs. Ugly dogs hit a thresshold whereby their ugliness somehow makes them cute. Well these cars are so ugly but their affordability and practicality make them appealing. Unfortuntately the only one that can fit a dog in the cargo section is the Honda Element which is no longer made. Come on Kia Soul, can't you add just a foot to the cargo bed? And there is the unavoidable fact that I cannot drive a car that won't accelerate quickly enough to keep me from being killed on the interstate. None of these practical, ugly cars can meet that standard. While, I did not explicity state it in the list above, I include it in my mind with safety and reliability. So here are all of the cars I have considered so far: Volvo SC 90 and 60 - too expensive LandRover Range Rover - too expensive Jeeps (all of them) - not safe or fuel efficient Mazda, Nisson SUVs - kind of pricey Chevy/GMC SUVs - not as safe and fuel efficient as I would like. Ford Escape: ditto Honda CRV - ugly back end, not fuel efficient Honda Pilot: expensive and not very fuel efficient Toyota RAV4 and Higlander: same as pilot Lincoln and Cadillac: you must be joking Scion, Kia Soul, Nisson Cube: no room for dogs Honda Element - no longer made Hyundai and Kia SUVs: still a possibilty (no spark) Mitsubishi Outlander: in contention (just not excited) So I continue onward, hoping to fall in love again some day.