Religion

I must confess that I am not at all comfortable with people who claim to be religious, who have personal and meaningful relationships with their Lord. For those few people who have this and yet don't seem self-righteous or judgmental, I simply admire them. It is the other folks - the ones that want to discriminate against gays, remove evolution from school texts, rewrite history so that we are a Christian country, boycott a company for not affirming their religious values, and ship all Muslims off to the Middle East - that I have real issues with. The bible does NOT define marriage as "one man and one woman." At no time in the New Testament did Jesus say that homosexuality is wrong. Only the woman-hating, slavery is okay writings of Paul make these claims.

I come from a family where religion was used as the impetus for neglect, abuse and finally the dismantling of the family itself. My mother valued her time at her church over being a mother and housewife; valued her religious leader over the safety and well-being of her children; enabled her commitment to religion to justify her disowning her children and finally ending her marriage. Thankfully her religion provided the opportunity to annul the whole thing so she did not have to think about it any more. Now my father, who used to be the sane one, is allowing his religious beliefs or "values" as he calls them to alienate his daughter and her wife. I think all of this would be sufficient to from a psychological point of view explain my preference for logic and reason over emotions and beliefs.

I know people who do not let religion be used in this unhealthy way. I know people who are able to successfully balance their beliefs with healthy homes and families. They amaze me. It is like watching a complex magic trick and not understanding how they do that.

My issues with religion appeared before I understood the negative impact religion was having on my family. I remember my first major "logical awakening" very clearly. I think my experience actually mirrors the experience of those who find God or have a spiritual awakening, only mine was juxtaposed I suppose. I was sitting in church on Good Friday, attending mass as was required. We were at the point in the service whereby we were called to enact the trial of Jesus and yell, "Crucify Him." I had a slight out of body moment and was slammed to the ground with the realization that this particular exercise seemed wrong and sick. I was not personally to blame for Christ's execution. Spending time and energy on crowd-think was uncomfortable. Then I looked at the giant crucifix at the head of the alter. It seemed that this church did want to emphasize the suffering and man's inhumanity to man in a way that I at that moment thought was wrong. Week after week, I would go to church and stare at the dead Jesus on the cross that was the point of focus. I would listen to the mass which included the miraculous trick of turning bread into flesh and wine into blood. I got sicker and more uncomfortable. I felt like I was surrounded by crazy or had woken up in an episode of Twilight Zone. Bear in mind, I was in high school and still had to continue attending mass every Sunday feeling increasingly uncomfortable and disenfranchised from this reality.

Once I was out of the house and answerable to myself for my time, I tried out a few of the other Christian churches, but at this point it was too late. I looked into Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism. I could not make sense out of these beliefs or their applicability to my life. I tried being agnostic, imagining a God that served as creator but little else. I couldn't get there.

I am left with atheism. I am good with that. I don't want to imagine a God that either doesn't care about the world's suffering, is powerless to do anything, or has some great plan that really sucks for most. A belief in no god gives me comfort. I know that I am responsible for my own actions. I am responsible for the choices I make and the consequences I endure. I have control over what I can control. I am empowered to the degree I can be. I work to be a good person, because I know that goodness is the better choice. It is logical. It is safe. It is comforting.