An Immodest Proposal

As our institution of higher learning faces unprecedented 60% cuts to funding, I propose a solution which will not only revolutionize the college learning experience, but will save tons of money too. Oh, and will put me and my spouse on the unemployment lines. So you know it must be a really great idea. Sure, I got it from those clever student reporters... but I drove it erratically to its next logical conclusion. We should let go all of the staff on the college campus. Faculty can stay since they have tenure and do important PhD-required research. Everyone else is out the door - including the chancellor. SG president can handle the chancellor's gig. It is all about the student experience after all. Students can simply handle all of the university's day to day work as part of a semester long class assignment. Faculty payroll can be handled by our accounting students; computer programs by our computing students, philosophy and general studies majors can do the general clerical and janitorial work since they really should practice for life after college anyway. Engineering students can take care of our facilities and infrastructure. Ag and Landscaping kids can handle the plants across campus. Art and theater students can work the cafeterias. Music and social work students can handle the student life experience. Marketing and business majors can take care of the recruiting; mass comm and English students can work on all the public affairs stuff. Education majors can teach the actual intro level courses, and kinesiology students can coach our major sports. The state can then take the savings to open more chicken farms and processing plants... creating useful jobs for the now unemployed knowledge workers. But hey, we preserved the academic core, and provided our students with hands-on, real world experiences that will make our degree that much more valuable.